Grumpy

Like most dads, my father always knows exactly the right thing to say. Except, my dad always knows exactly the right thing to say to send me into a tailspin. For example:

“You seem to be a little bit grumpy today,” he said.

Grumpy? No shit, Sherlock, but the “little bit” is a little bit wrong. If I were to rank myself on the grumpometer, I’d say, right now, I’m in the Really Fucking Grumpy category. Let’s take a little look at my day and think about why I might not be a chipper little chipmunk, shall we?

I woke up and went to the pool for a swim. Today was the sixth day in a row that I swam. I don’t normally swim on Saturdays, but I have to travel on Monday for a neurologist check up on Tuesday. I didn’t want to be out of the water for four days, so I went.

There was a lot of testosterone in the pool this morning. And I’m not saying that smugly. In fact, normally, it would be a good thing, but I just wanted to take it easy today. The lap lanes were all filled with men (hence testosterone…), all very good swimmers. One guy, a kid really, obviously an actively competitive swimmer, did an hour of IM sprints. It was insane. The other men were all very fast. The water was extra splashy and full of energy. It swept me away. I felt myself going fast. I kept trying to slow myself down. I was definitely not trying to compete at all… I promise… But, I was consistently doing 45 second 50’s, or 1:30 100s, which is, like, an actual athlete goal pace for long swims. I wanted to swim less than 40 minutes, but I got confused on the math (mornings are hard). I got in the water at 9:20, and somehow I thought that if I swam until 10:15, I would swim for 35 minutes.

(Yes, I really am that stupid on these drugs. I have not always been this stupid. I was a fucking chemistry major at University, concentrating in biophysical chemistry, for crying out loud. I can diagram the metabolic pathways of all of these dumb medications I have to take, but I can’t tell time. It’s awesome.)

According to my watch, I swam at full intensity for 53 minutes. I burned 527 calories. That was far too long, and much too high of a calorie burn. I am still 10 pounds underweight, and on my sixth day of exercise, putting in a long swim sets me up for a flare. Furthermore, it is difficult for me to replenish those calories because the drugs make me nauseous and kill my appetite.

My leg spasms lasted a full hour after I finished the swim.

When I came home, I immediately started a load of laundry so I could pack clean clothing for my trip. I always used to say that I hated doing laundry, but I had no idea what the word “hate” truly meant until I had CRPS. Here is how I now do laundry: I load my clothes into a laundry bag. My leg won’t tolerate the extra weight if I tried to carry the laundry, and I am afraid of the bag bumping into my CRPS leg. So I step with my left leg, drag the bag with my left arm while I drag my right leg. All the way across the house. Loading the washer on one leg used to be exceptionally challenging, but now that I am aces on my left leg, it is only moderately difficult. For a fun challenge, you should try it sometime.

While the washer ran, I made myself an everything bagel with butter, egg, and cheese, I felt sick, and I showered (sitting down, because, you know, CRPS). I changed the laundry from the washer to the dryer, again, still, on one leg (if you want a great core and quad workout with some hammy’s and glutes thrown in, try moving your laundry from washer to dryer while only standing on one leg).

Then, the litter box. Scooping the box and replenishing the litter is like, no big deal, right? CRPS raises the difficulty level of every stupid simple thing to a level 10. Don’t believe me? Take the litter box challenge: you have a brand new 25 lb box of litter, and one foot/leg cannot touch the ground at any point in the process. You get bonus execution points if you don’t spill.

And I have a stack of forms to fill out before my final hearing for social security disability (can’t talk about it…). I’ve had the forms for an embarrassing amount of time. Old Me would have focused, finished the forms, and returned them with the next day’s mail. CRPS Me keeps getting distracted. CRPS Me gets confused easily. It took me several days to realize that I am the claimant. Yeah, duh. I’ve been doing a little at a time, and today, I told myself I would finish. No excuses.

But, this means I had to push my afternoon doses back so that I didn’t fall into a 2 hour coma. This has its own implications though. I am supposed to take pills at the exact time every day. My body relies on them now. If I am late, I get fidgety, sweaty, and oh, what’s that you say? Yeah, that’s right. I get grumpy. But, anyway. The papers are now complete. But, just not yet in the envelope.

And back to the laundry. Ugh. I loaded my laundry bag from the dryer, on one leg, and dragged it back across the house. With my right knee resting on my bed, I dumped the bag, folded, and separated the clothes to wear and clothes to pack for my trip to my doctor.

(I complain about my laundry situation now, but it could be worse. It has been worse. At the time when I had my accident, I didn’t have laundry in my building, much less in my dwelling. I took my laundry, on crutches, in the dead of summer, down four flights of stairs, four blocks to a laundromat, and back up four flights of stairs. So, if you think I’m “grumpy” now…)

And all afternoon, it has been thunderstorming. My leg is not friends with thunderstorms. The rain makes my dumb leg feel like it is imploding. The buzzing is louder and more electrifying. My foot feels like a giant sponge that soaked up an ocean of ice water. The skin is feeling crispy fried…

And all of this isn’t necessarily what is making me the grumpiest. The main reason why I am up in a frothy grumpy lather is because I have the cognitive ability to analyze my day. Let’s take out all of the verbose complaints and descriptors. Here’s what I did today:

  • exercised for less than an hour
  • ate lunch
  • changed the litter box
  • did one load of laundry
  • filled out one half of one page of a form that was sent to me 4 weeks ago
  • thought about packing for a two day trip
  • endured a thunderstorm

It’s 7:00 in the evening, and this is what I have to show for my day. How can I not judge my underwhelming level of productivity? How can I not be angry at my leg for making everything in my life exponentially more difficult? How can I not be angry at myself for somehow allowing my leg to slow me down and hinder me to this extent? How can I pretend to be unaffected by the number of days that have slipped, not to mention the number that will continue to slip, away from me, just as today did?

And then, in the midst of my wallowing self-pitying self-judgment, it is pointed out to me, by my dear old dad, that I am, in fact, grumpy.

Long Promised Road

So hard to answer future’s riddle
When ahead is seeming so far behind
So hard to laugh a child-like giggle
When the tears start to torture my mind
So hard to shed the life of before
To let my soul automatically soar

But I hit hard at the battle that’s confronting me, yeah
Knock down all the roadblocks a-stumbling me
Throw off all the shackles that are binding me down

Sew up the wounds of evolution
And the now starts to get in my way
So what if life’s a revelation
If the mind speaks of only today
So real, the pain of growing in soul
Of climbing up to reality’s goal

But I hit hard at the battle that’s confronting me, yeah
Knock down all the roadblocks a-stumbling me
Throw off all the shackles that are binding me down

Long promised road
Trail starts at dawn
Carries on to the season’s ending
Long promised road
Flows to the source, gentle force, never ending, never ending

So hard to lift the jewelled sceptre
When the weight turns a smile to a frown
So hard to drink of passion nectar
When the taste of life’s holding me down
So hard to plant the seed of reform
To set my sights on defeating the storm

But I hit hard at the battle that’s confronting me, yeah
Knock down all the roadblocks a-stumbling me
Throw off all the shackles that are binding me down

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